‘Active balance’ -  a key to stress reduction.

Our Bodies Live in a State of Active Balance
Our bodies seek balance but do not maintain it indefinitely. We live in our bodies in a state of active balance — which corresponds to the neurobiological term allostasis, meaning ‘balance through change.’ This term describes how the body’s natural healing mechanisms prioritize the system that needs the most attention. Life is a process of tweaking, building and finding moments of balance through the ever shifting, changing life-systems we live in. You are alive because of this process – stop fighting [yourself]. Mentally embrace the concept of active balance.

Swimming: as an Example of Active Balance
Imagine trying to swim away from shore in turbulent water. If you pretended there were no waves, you would swim with all of your might against the current, pushing and fighting the waves that kept rolling in and sweeping you back toward the beach. You would soon become exhausted, frustrated, and feel as though you would never accomplish your goal of moving past the breaking waves. Now imagine that you are fully aware of the current and the waves. You swim under them, navigating and negotiating the current, and move beyond the breakwater fairly quickly and with ease.

Living in Active Balance
We often think of balance as a static state – seeking ‘work / life balance’ as if there is a magic ratio of work and play – acting as if every change or hardship is the reason we feel overwhelmed. However navigating life changes and challenges is exactly the same as swimming in the ocean . You know that change will come, just like the waves. You calculate your risks and choose how you want to approach those challenges: will you fight and become exhausted, holding on to a desire for a magic ocean without waves? Or will you acknowledge that the waves exist, learn to skillfully navigate them – learn from getting jostled and pushed around – and allow yourself to enjoy the buoyancy and relaxation that the ocean offers?

Jennifer Edwards teaches at the American Heart Association in NYC:

Learn to Take a Deep Breath:

“Just Breathe” – this advice often comes when we’re nearing a breaking-point – completely stressed out and yearning to hear anything but ‘take a deep breath’. The problem is that this is the one and only quick way to BEGIN to release tension from your nervous system.

Put Breathing to Good Use
1) Deep breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system. This is the system associated with the release of hormones that work to relax you, or bring your body out of the stress state and back to active balance.

2) Practice deep breathing several times every day and build a habit of releasing tension after you feel stressed.

3) Become comfortable with this practice

4) The next time someone says ‘take a deep breath’, use it as a gentle reminder – get angry with them if you wish, but then say thank you, come back to your breath, release tension from your body and enjoy the rush of relaxing hormones.

Breathing is the first step of the BARS Method™. Learn to connect with your body through your breath and then get to work to reduce stress as it arises.

oil on canvas by Paul Kelpe

Paid Days Off is a term that can replace the terminology ‘sick days’ and ‘vacation days’ – apparently employees like it. I was introduced to this concept by two different respondents to a question I posed on Linked IN regarding ‘reframing work / life balance’. This small change in wording can yield big rewards and a huge shift for both workers at every level and their bosses. Both paid ‘vacation days’ and ‘sick days’ place expectation on the time that you are given off from work. These days of paid rest must be justified- you must use them when you are sick or to take a vacation. Labeling and categorizing this time puts employers in a position of policing employees and employees in the position of justifying using time that is technically theirs to use as they wish. By simply calling this time what it is, ‘paid days off’, companies can better the work environment at zero cost to the company.

Paid Days Off – vs – Sick Days:

If you are in management you know the feeling of getting the call: an employee calls out sick at the last minute – it must be at the last minute to be credible – leaving you short staffed. Perhaps you had a plan today, perhaps there was a meeting or a project that needs all hands, eyes, and brains to be focused and present. Maybe this worker is a teacher or nurse and now you need to call in someone to cover his or her class or shift. You are left scrambling, resentful and wondering if this person is even really sick.

As an employee, your paid sick days are part of the benefits of your job – you are due those paid days off of work – period. In order to take them you must be or pretend to be sick. You really only have one option: lie. Are you too sick to work – maybe. Do you just need a day to catch-up – probably. But now in order to take the day that is due you, you must call your boss, feeling guilty, child-like, and disempowered and play-up your ‘symptoms’ to take your day off. You will face the judgment of your boss and co-workers tomorrow. You will have to lie to each of them about how sick you were yesterday. You have just participated in the paternalistic, degrading and dishonest system that is prevalent in most US companies.

The Paid Days Off system changes this dynamic. There will always be an occasional last minute, sick day call: food poisoning, flu, sick children will inevitably consume some of your paid days off. However, most of the time we know when we need a break several days in advance, just a day or two to catch up on sleep, life-stuff (bills, errands, spending time with family, organizing our lives) and general self-maintenance. By having a set number of days off- no categories, no excuses, just paid time off from work, both bosses and employees can plan ahead. The lines of communication can open. An employee can say, ‘I am taking two days off starting next Tuesday’. His / her manager could reply, ‘we have a staff meeting next Tuesday. Would it be possible for you to take Wednesday and Thursday off instead?’

There is no reason for your boss to know what you intend to do with your time outside of work. And no need for you to lie to get time off. And managers can plan; ask for what they need and stop second-guessing, monitoring and being over-involved with employees’ lives. Both rolls of employee and manager become easier and less emotionally complicated. There is no reason for a boss to parent her / his employees or for employees to feel judged for anything other than the job they perform at work.

Paid Days Off – vs – Vacation Days

In American culture the word ‘vacation’ carries the subtext of something that is unneeded – something we should feel grateful for and privileged to have. Vacations are luxurious. We often feel guilty for taking a vacation. Calling this paid time off ‘vacation time’ fuels feelings of indebtedness to the company you work for – your boss and co-workers may feed into this with negative comments about your taking a vacation or not taking a vacation. You may also feel badly if you take time off but use it for something else.

We have a cultural idea of what a vacation looks like. Palm trees, beaches, camping, skiing, Disney World, or exotic travel float through the mind when we call something a vacation. But in today’s world, how many people use their vacation days to back pack through Europe or fly to Florida? Often vacation from work is spent organizing closets, moving, care-taking a loved one, and working hard on your life away from work. We return to work having accomplished much but without a suntan or stories to tell co-workers. We also may fell guilty for not giving ourselves a ‘vacation’ or shameful for not being able to afford a ‘real vacation’. Again, by calling the paid time off that is owed you by you employer as part of your pay, by it’s real title, we eliminated the stress, pressure and expectation of using this time for anything other than whatever you want / need to use it for. The label ‘paid days off’ take the emotion out of this process. Your time off is your time off- period. Take your days and use them to clean out the garage, work in your garden, arrange a funeral, hike the Grand Canyon or sleep until noon: no judgments, no expectations.

What to eat? When to eat? How much to eat? We have so many questions and so many choices staring down at us when we go to the store. If you are like me, you may not have time to read the thousands of books out there telling us what to put (an not put) in our mouths.

Always on the look out for practical tools to make life less stressful, I just finished Michael Pollan’s new book ‘Food Rules’. This is tiny book you can read on the subway. It is broken down into 64 ‘rules’ or guidelines. Simple tips like “Don’t Eat Breakfast Cereals that Change the Color of the Milk”- #36, are straight-forward to easy to remember.

I generally do not promote products, but this is fun, not-too-expensive and cuts to the chase regarding what to eat.

Enjoy!

When I lead workshops, I am always asked about the relationship between food and and stress.  I turned to a leader in her field for some helpful tips:

Brought to you by Dages Juvelier Keates of Delicious Dialogues

• Eat real foods as much as possible: vegetables, yams, beans, whole grain, good fats (yep- high quality olive oil, nuts, seeds), lean proteins.
• Eat breakfast. If you don’t know what to eat, experiment with some different kinds of meals and see what works for you.
• Have a plan- think about what you need for the week at you office and at home and make sure you are supplied.
• Keep snacks on hand: this is so important. People tell me that they don’t want to have foods around because they are afraid of overeating. If you starve yourself all day, you will overeat at night. Period. Your body wants you to survive.
• Stock up: keep clean fresh veggies in the fridge at work with a dip you enjoy (no fat free kinds; they are laden with sugar), keep tamari almonds or dried mango in your purse, some lara bars in the dashboard, organic canned soups at the office and pantry.
• Avoid excessive sweeteners, especially corn syrup; it is twice as sweet and addictive as sucrose.
• Don’t let yourself go into starvation mode. You will regret it. Your metabolism drops, your mood is negatively affected and your body will strive to defend itself against starvation. Your cravings for non-optimal foods that don’t actually nourish you will become unbearable. Don’t let this happen to you. There is an epidemic of mood disorders in this country; fight back with food!

• Green Naked or Odwalla juice- grab one in the morning and enjoy all day long.
• Lara bars- nothing but fruit and nuts!
• Bag of organic washed veggies and hummus
• All fruit smoothie from Whole Foods, Jamba Juice, or make your own by blending frozen berries, a banana, a bit of almond milk and pinch of salt
• Amy’s organic soups
• Grab a box of prewashed greens and a bottle of Annie’s Goddess Dressing- keep in the fridge at work for instant high energy salad snacks!

I was pain…  real pain.   My entire left side, from my hip to my toes, was stiff, throbbing and sore.  The more I stretched, the more intense my discomfort was.  I began to wonder if I would ever go to the gym again.  It went on for nearly six months before I sought help.  As a dancer and a western-minded yogi, I was used to working things out myself.  (Ah- healer- heal they self!).

Finally at the encouragement of loved ones, I looked for a place to go.  A friend handed me a card for the Brooklyn Acupuncture project.  When I was dancing full-time, acupuncture saved me several times.  But it is generally expensive and I knew I would need several treatments.

The Brooklyn Acupuncture project is literally a ‘god send’.  They charge on a sliding scale from $18-$40 a session.  They do not charge per needle or for the time you are there.  I received amazing care and was able to go twice a week for several weeks.  The pain began to shift and I was able walk, sit, live with out pain.

Truly serving the community, Brooklyn Acupuncture Project located at 530 3rd. Ave. Brooklyn, NY 11215, phone: 718-369-0123, website: http://brooklynacupunctureproject.com.

Use Your Words
Merriam-Webster defines stress as a constraining force or influence; a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation; a state resulting from a stress especially: one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium.

You know, I never actually looked this word up! Yet here, in the definition, lie the basics of stress reduction. Through managing stress, we can live more healthy, free, balanced and productive lives.

Lately life has offered many opportunities for stress to creep into my life. No one seems safe-guarded from the down-turn in the economy, including we freelancers and consultants. I have been traveling far and wide, spending up to 22 hours on airplanes to reach my destination(s). Here is what I have learned:

1) Surrender: There are many things you can plan for and more things you can not. For example, you can schedule ample time to arrive at the airport, check in and prepare for your flight; you can not force the plane to leave on time. You can invest your money wisely; you can not guarantee the market will remain stable. Stress builds when we try to manipulate or control aspects of life that are completely out of our control. Do what you can, surrender to the fact that there is much left to others.

2) Compassion: After surrender, must come compassion. If you give up your ideas of control only to judge the job everyone else is doing, you will drive yourself equally crazy! Practice compassion for yourself and others. Let people be where they are and laugh at the illusions we harbor about ‘who’s in charge’. Work, relationships, travel, raising children, and the economy are collaborations. Hundreds, possibly millions, of factors come together to create any situation. The best we can do for ourselves is to be gentle, kind and understanding of both the roles we play and the simultaneous unimportance and importance of those roles.

3) Take Charge and Let GO: Fulfill your responsibilities and let go of the rest. Get yourself to the departure gate, help your neighbor if they need it, sit down with your child and assist with his/her schoolwork -period. The second we focus on outcome rather than action, we begin to live in a projection of ‘what if’ instead of ‘what is’. This invariably leads to stress as we are then unable to do what we need to, in the moment. If you are living with an image of your child graduating college with honors, while they are failing math, you may be unable to see how best to help. If you are on an airplane with 10 hours left in a flight and all you can think of is arriving at your destination, you are wasting precious time. Sit in the driver’s seat of your life now and realize that you can not control your fellow passengers, motorists or the weather outside the car.

1.) Trust your intuition. It will not mislead you. Intuition comes from your heart and is what you know is true. It will ‘feel right’.

2.) Baby feeds on many parts of you, first and foremost, she/he absorbs your energy. Build awareness of where you are emotionally, and you will know how to best handle baby’s reaction.

3.) There will come times when you feel ‘trapped’ and/or ‘lost’. This is a natural part of motherhood/ parenthood. Again, be aware and have someone who can ‘give you a break’. It truly takes a village to raise children- build it!

4.) Find what works for you as a parent. Remember you are your child’s interpreter, spokes person, ‘public relations’ guide and mentor. Give yourself permission to both teach and learn from your child!

5.) Children will ask for what they need. It is our job to LISTEN. This does not imply that we sit by and allow children to raise themselves or give them full reign to make choices by themselves. However when we set guidelines and our children feel that those guidelines are not best serving them, we need to re-examine what we are doing and the reaction(s) we are eliciting.

6.) Children are our MIRRORS not our REFLECTIONS! Mirrors are tools for examination of our actions. They afford us opportunities to learn, change and grow. A ‘reflection’ is perceived to be more static, less autonomous, something that holds a less ‘communicative’ potential. We have more pejorative relationships with our ‘reflections’.

7.) Others’ opinions: Remember that we all view our world and others choices through a lens of individual life experience. Others’ opinions have less to do with you than it has to do with who it is coming from.

8.) ‘Do as I Do’: The phrase ‘do as I say, not as I do’ is hugely flawed and needs to be thrown out! Children will ALWAYS learn more from your ACTIONS than your words!

Preparation for Conversation; Find Your Comfort Zone:
Take a Deep Breath. Your whole body stretches, opens, lengthens and fills with air. A deep breath is as full-bodied as a yawn. It is very important to take several deep breathes before engaging in any [important] conversation. Practice deep breathing when you wake in the morning, before leaving for work and upon leaving work. Bringing a rush of air into your body aids in waking you up and releases tension in times of stress.

Release your abdomen: Place a hand on your abdomen, below your navel, and feel your breath rise and fall. Breathe into your hand. Most of people hold tension in our ‘bellies’. Give yourself permission to let it go. ‘Check in’ with your lower abdomen during the course of your conversation. Breathing into your ‘belly’ will release tension in you and in your interaction.

Bring awareness: to the back of your head, neck, shoulders, rib cage and pelvis. Build awareness of what it feels like to tighten and release the muscles in these areas. Let your weight drop into your hips. Bend your knees and feel all tension drop into your feet. Imagine your bare feet are touching the earth. Spread your toes and stretch the souls of your feet in your shoes. Find your neutral stance. This will literally ground you.

While Engaging in Interactions:
Release Expectation: Start every conversation fresh! When you enter any situation, maintain clear focus on what you need to get out of the conversation. Do not expect a specific outcome. Attaching to a particular flow or pattern can place you at a disadvantage. Stay present and be aware of what is actually happening. This will help in flexible and creative negotiation and navigation of the conversation. Naturally you have a desired goal. What others bring to the table, however, is out of your control. Be imaginative and focus on clear self-direction.

Adopt a practice of ‘letting go’ of past interactions. Retain the information you gathered: leave the emotion and stories behind. There is no reason to bring old dramas into new work, relationships and situations.

Be present! The moment you step into an interaction, forget how you got there, who this person reminds you of, why you were late. Direct the conversation in a manner you feel comfortable with. Take TIME and stay connected to your body! Let go of the impulse to switch to ‘auto pilot’ or over-explain any situation/ circumstance.

Practice non-Judgment: Critical thinking is imperative. Constant judging of others and yourself is distracting, stressful and a waist of your time and focus. Check in with members of the conversation using eye contact and body language. Suspend the inner dialogue in your mind that second-guesses how the conversation is going. Feel and listen to what is actually happening. KNOW AND TRUST your abilities.

Moving!
After a friend and colleague learned that I am in the process of moving, she asked me to share some simple tips to help her with her move. Thanks for the inspiration Maria!

1) Clear a Corner: this is where you will store completely packed boxes

2) Get boxes: retrieve boxes, as needed, from a local market, dry goods store etc. There are few circumstances where you need to buy boxes- note how many businesses recycle boxes every week [or day] and ask to have a few before they go out. Most business are all too happy to unload their boxes!

3) Start at the TOP: Pack the tops of closets first- this way you pack first the things you use least. It is easy. You will feel a huge accomplishment and your space will feel clearer instantly.

4) Decipher how much time you have to ‘go through your stuff’ on either end of the move i.e. does it make more sense to go through papers, clothes, etc. while packing or unpacking? Be realistic.

5) Note how you work best: Are you a pack one box/ day person or an all-at-once person? Which makes you feel best? – Do that!

6) Plan ahead! Measure. Make sure everything you are bringing to your new home fits: through the door and in it’s chosen spot. Choreograph your move. Make it fun and allow it to work for you! Consider suggestions from friends, but ultimately do what you have found works best for you.

7) Stay in the moment. Often the idea of moving is more daunting than the actual process. Make a list of things to do: addresses to change, utilities to turn off/ on, etc. Go down the list in an easy, relaxed fashion. Stay focused on one task at a time. Again. This is fun. This is exciting. Revel in the newness of your new space!